Our Stories, Our Healing

Grief and Loss

The loss of a loved one is never easy.  The journey from grief to healing can encompass a range of emotions, conflicting at times, triggered by seemingly random occurrences and unavoidable no matter how hard or many times we try to bypass them.

Our Stories, Our Healing

Have you experienced a significant loss in your life?  Where are you in your journey from grief to healing?  Are you ready to share your story?  By telling your story you may be able to help someone else and perhaps support your own healing.

The Project
This project sets out to explore the grief journeys of several individuals.  The stories of the characters are inspired by real-life individuals and their experiences with grief, resulting from the death of a loved one. Woven together, it will reveal stories of trauma, heartache, loneliness and despair that begin to transition into those of healing, resilience and celebration.  

By sharing your story, others will be helped and supported in their own healing.  Not only ushering in healing for others, it will expose the often silent pain and lonely journeys many of us undertake as we process the death of a loved one- allowing them to know, they are not alone. 

If you are interested in being a part of this project by sharing your story, please complete the questionnaire here.  You will then be contacted with specific details about your participation in this project.

The Invitation of "His Yoke"

^28-30 “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”  Matthew 11:28-30 MSG

When you spoke this, you were (and still are) inviting each of us into a real, loving and liberated relationship with you.  For, man has identified and skewed what it means to be “good”, “holy” or “Christian” with rigid rules and distorted expectations.  For some time I’ve been involved in activities that are helping me re-frame my understanding of what you require. 

You invite me to come to you.  You invite me to follow you – the truth.  Not some human’s interpretation of your truth, which can vary and be misinterpreted based upon a false understanding.  You tell me “come right to the source and learn from me, the Truth”.  So, I come.  I want to live my life fully, in and through you.  I want rest from struggle – struggle of trying to measure up to rules, laws and guidelines rooted in shame and condemnation and ones that I am unsuccessful at trying to keep in my own might. 

The rhythms of grace you speak of - they sound like freedom, surrender, a departure from self and identifying only as the child of the king.  I can be encouraged by the fact that your yoke, your ways/thoughts/model for living, although not without some level of work, is freeing.  Freedom is there because you have already paid the price.  Freedom is there because that rhythm you speak of empowers, takes on the struggle, burdens and weight.  Your yoke is light because you have done the heavy lifting on the cross and provided us a gift of salvation.  You continue doing the heavy lifting, working on my behalf, providing, protecting, leading, teaching, fighting my battles.

All you ask is that I come, follow, learn and co-labor with you.  I recommit to you – yes, I will follow you!

Amen.

Untitled

Embrace uncertainty.  

Some of the most beautiful chapters 

in our lives won’t have a title until much later.

-Bob Goff

As a 23-year old, fresh out of grad school, I was certain of one thing.  I was going to be a teacher.  My entire career.  Nothing but the classroom for me.  Although developing curriculum and supporting other teachers were options for later in my career, really all I wanted to do for the next 30+ years was to be in the classroom.  Even after a few years of educating elementary school children under my belt, I dismissed the promptings of my colleagues to pursue administration.  No, the classroom was where I wanted to be!

Fast-forward 14 years and ask me how that worked out for me!  Often in life, I look back at my younger self and just laugh.  I realize, the things that I was so certain about at the time, I had no clue!  Despite the definitive claims I made about what I was (or was not) going to do, life had other plans.

Now that I am a bit wiser (the product of some unexpected starts, stops, detours and bumps along the way) there is one thing that is clear.  The only thing that is certain in life is uncertainty.  Even with the most careful of plans, laid out and calculated to the most minute detail, the unexpected is bound to happen.  Understanding that fact is okay.  Embracing that fact, well that makes life a little more interesting! 

When 10 years ago, my desire for a life-long career in the classroom took an unexpected turn in a completely opposite direction, surprisingly I was filled with excitement and anticipation as I stepped out on faith.  Although I missed the classroom, I found a new career that brought just as much joy and engaged a different part of my diverse skill-set.

My life is beginning to veer in a new direction again.  I have no idea where my current passions and enhanced capabilities will lead me.  But I am looking forward to the journey.  What a marvel it will be when in 3, 5, 15 or more years I look back on this present season of my life.  At that time, I will be able to celebrate the beauty of what was uncovered by accepting the invitation into the unknown.

8.24

Tonight I wrote a poem.

Yes.  It was a love poem.

Those are always the best kind.

But not gushy and sweet,

like the ones I write when he gives me butterflies 

with just one gaze from across a crowded room.

No, this poem that I wrote does not dwell on that.

Instead, tonight I wrote a poem about a love lost.

Not one where I’m jaded and my words are laced with bitterness and despair because his heart now longs for another.

The poem, it tells of a different love story,

that one day will yield a happier ending.

The words weave a picture of a deep abiding love,

that a child has for her mother.

Although old enough to now bear my own children,

I still long for the warmth of my own mother’s hug.

Which is no longer possible.

For, she’s gone.

Well, not fully. 

The soft kiss that was planted on my forehead

right before she left to start her day,

even now I can faintly feel it.

The spiced, citrus-y scent that followed her effortlessly

(when inhaled today)

immediately conjures an image of her beauty.

Tonight’s reflection is based upon today.

August 24^th.

1948.  

The day of her birth.

And today, I celebrate.

Even though she’s gone.

Years pass so swiftly – but 12 feels the same as 1, as 50.

The void that this loss leaves behind is just sneaky like that.

“Happy Birthday” I write with joy.

And the next moment my pen shifts,

words filled with a longing,

sadness of what now exists only in my memory.

1987.  

A day we celebrated, in our new home, our new life.

In just a few short days, we learned devastating news.

As we sang, ate cake and laughed,

my new friend’s world crumbled,

due to a loss I didn’t understand then.

But do now.

All too well.

Too young to be without her father.

But he was gone.

And, as months and years passed,

during those moments when reality interrupted the continuation of one’s life,

She, cried.

Her mother, wept.

Her sister, sobbed.

At that time I was moved by sympathy because of their pain.

Tonight, I wrote because I know what those tears meant.

Longing. Sadness.  Hurt.  A plea for relieve.

And so, I wrote a poem.

2017.  

My two hearts reclaim my attention.

Each embarking on a new journey in their young lives. 

Middle school and Pre-K. 

And I feel my heart expand with pride, anticipation, and hope. 

As I wrote a love poem tonight,

recalling my mother.

A woman I love.

Admire.

Miss and cherish.

I write of the loves that remain. 

They are a continuation of the joy she was.

Earlier today,

my youngest love asked if we could go to where Grandma Nancy is 

to give her a birthday cookie.

Her mother reassured her, she already knows we’re celebrating her today.

We can’t go to her today.

But, one day we will.

Tonight I wrote a poem. 

A poem about love. 

My love. 

My mom.

My Greatest Fear As A Single Woman

 

It is tiring always being "ON".  It would be nice, even if only every once in a while, to be able to not have to be responsible for every single aspect of my life.  It’s not like when I was a minor, under my parents’ roof, when we had chore lists.  Kendra mowed the lawn.  Kim washed the dishes.  Krystal vacuumed.  Mom made the dinner.  Dad plunged the toilets.  No, in the household of one, every task has my name behind it.  Even the ones I have no ability in.  When those come up, thank the Lord that I’m smart enough to figure out what service provider I need to secure.  But even then, it only gets done because I coordinate it.  Just me.  No one else. 

Again, having to do it all myself can become a bit much at times.

So, recently when all 3 light bulbs in my overhead light in the kitchen died, I was left in a predicament.  As in any home, my ceilings are high.  The thought of climbing a stool to replace these bulbs is less than appealing.  But, my dad lives over 2,000 miles away.  There’s no special someone right now that I can sweet talk into doing odd jobs around my home.  And I can’t very well hire a handyman for this, can I?  Thus, this evening I figured I’d procrastinated long enough and with a determined spirit I decided to hoist myself onto my wooden barstool to complete this task.  (For all the logical people out there reading this- yes, I should own a ladder, but I don’t.) 

I’m pretty lucky that in the 8 or so years that I’ve lived in my home I never had to change this particular light fixture’s bulbs.  (Also probably a bit sad and telling about how often I go into my kitchen.)  Since it’d been a while, I prepared myself to also thoroughly wash the fixture while I was at it.  So, I’m up on this stool taking off the cover and somehow jiggle it just right to get the last bit of juice going in 2 of the 3 bulbs.  I unscrew the one that is burnt out completely and to my surprise see that the size of the bulb is one I do not currently have within my light bulb stock pile.  A little annoyed, I decide to go ahead and at least wash the fixture cover so it’d be ready once I got the right size bulbs. 

Then the bright idea hit me that I should clean around the elements that are secured to the ceiling.  As I proceed to do so, one of the 2 remaining bulbs burst.  All I could think was to avoid getting cut by glass and in my haste I slipped (atop this stool mind you), fell backwards onto the refrigerator, then spun around about 345 degrees before landing on my left side on the kitchen floor. 

And at that moment I knew I’d come face to face with my biggest fear as a single woman- falling off a stool while changing a light bulb and no one knowing until a neighbor with a keen sense of smell catches a whiff of my decaying corpse 2 weeks later.  Convinced that wasn’t going to be me, I hopped up really quick and hobbled to a chair in pain.  What surprised me first off was how inaudible my fall was.  Although I hit hard I thought “there’s no way that my neighbor below me was able to hear that”.  For me, that was a sad realization.

After examining my bruises, I returned to the kitchen to try and clean up the mess from the blown light bulb and my fall.  To my surprise I smelt gas.  Apparently, as I fell, my knee engaged two of the knobs on the stove and gas was coming out of unlit burners.  That’s when the fear became really, real.  Not just death by fall but coupled with gas inhalation!

Why do I share this episode with you?  First of all, I see the humor in it.  I don’t watch Awkward Black Girl but I like the genre and I can imagine this making a great segment on the show.  But secondly, it put me in a bit of a funk.  One which will surely pass, but one I’m giving myself permission to fully feel and process before getting over it.  Here's my issue:

Singleness surely has its perks.  Ones which I value and try to take full advantage of.  But at moments like these I’m reminded of something that I don't currently have but one day I hope to enjoy- having someone to share life with.  And not just anyone, but the one that will climb the stool (or ladder) to change a light bulb without a 2^nd thought.  A person who will hear my fall and at least call from the next room to make sure I’m still breathing.  Someone that is my partner and willing to do his part to ensure the household runs smoothly, as I do mine. 

I don’t always want to be “IT”.  Every once in a while I’d like to be able to share the load.  That doesn’t mean I’m now desperately scouring the streets, lounges or internet trying to find someone.  Nor do I believe that this is all a relationship boils down to.  But at the very least, I can add to my mental “What I want in a mate” list/prayer someone that is skilled at changing light bulbs.  Is that too much to ask?

SCSU Alumni- Reputation and Responsibility

Life today has a certain level of comfort associated with it.  Instant gratification, inflated perceptions of self-importance and a lifestyle of ease can lead to complacency.  Today I got a bit of a jolt of reality and was reminded of how profoundly blessed I am.  And I am only blessed because of the many sacrifices, hard work and accomplishments of those that have come before me.

It is not very often you are in a room full of great people.  I take that back- it is often for me.  Almost once a month I have the privilege of spending just a few hours with these very people.  Obviously, I don’t always recognize how great these individuals actually are.  That’s because they are my family.  Not my blood family.  No, my Bulldog Family.  Which believe it or not, in my book is a great way to define that word- family.  So it is with family, we become familiar and sometimes need to take a step back to understand how impactful our family members are.

Today, we gathered together to celebrate the 80^th anniversary of what is undeniably the best alumni chapter in the National Alumni Association of South Carolina State University- the Washington, DC Alumni Chapter (yes, all of our sister chapters are great but I’m biased).  I must say, it was a wonderful event that reminded me of why I am so proud to be a Bulldog!

I know we hear facts thrown around about our alumni and their varied and noteworthy accomplishments.  But as I listened today and interacted with so many successful alumni, I was humbled to be a part of the history and lineage of such an impactful institution.  Although many stellar alumni were highlighted at the event, our keynote speaker, Brigadier General (Ret) George Price, accurately personified for me what the value of an education at South Carolina State University means. 

Brigadier General George B. Price

 

Many alumni, across generations, have stories that exemplify what happens when tenacity meets opportunity.  I loved how he stated that his mission at SC State was clear.  For, he arrived from Mississippi on a one-way ticket, essentially communicating “do or die”.  The only option was for him to excel and make good on that opportunity.  As I noted, I know there are countless examples of this same ultimatum being issued to students as they entered SCSU, which continues even now.  To think, for so many, SC State represents the one opportunity available for an individual to step into his or her destiny by gaining the knowledge and skills to become a stand-out professional in his or her field.  This isn’t some lofty notion.  No, it is a proven fact!  SCSU provides the means by which individuals are able to gain a solid education, significantly increasing their chances for social mobility.  I submit, that is a legacy worth protecting, nurturing and growing.

With a reputation like ours, we have a responsibility to protect our institution’s rich legacy and ensure it remains a viable option for higher learning for generations to come.  For me, this point was amplified during one of the latter portions of the program- the Cake Cutting Ceremony.  A tradition borrowed from the Armed Forces, the most senior-ranking member and the junior-ranking member in the room take part in this ceremony.  Together, they cut the cake with a sword, symbolizing the rich history and accomplishments of the past and the enormous opportunities that await our future.  This is a powerful image for me- one in which I feel we are severely derelict in as young alumni (and perhaps more broadly as young adults and Millennials in today’s society as a whole).  In general, we are not showing up to the table, but instead leaving our senior-ranking alumni, those that tirelessly paved the way for us, to struggle to “cut the cake”.  I love my older alumni dearly and firmly believe that they deserve a season of rest.  But it can’t be just a few young alumni stepping in.  It takes everyone rolling up their sleeves and committing to supporting our university.  Not just in ways that ensure us the limelight or a pat on the back nor through action-less rantings on what is broken at our university.  Let’s stand beside the senior alumni and together help our university make strides forward.

Cake Cutting Ceremony

 

Finally, I want to revisit the notion of SCSU being my family.  At the end of the program, all of the past chapter presidents were asked to come to the front of the room to be recognized.  I’m proud to say, of all 8 or so of the individuals at the front, I have a personal relationship with each one.  At one point or another I’ve worked with them on some chapter program or supported their administration as a chapter officer or committee chair.  Each of them hold a special place in my heart! 

Aside from the chapter business, in both happy and sad times they have been there for my family and me.  When my mom passed away, they were right there at the service.  When we experienced weddings in the family, their smiling faces were present.  On the various occasions that I’ve preached, their “Amen” was there to encourage me. 

I remember very vividly, just a week before my mom died, our family was at the SCSUNAA convention in Charleston, NC.  Two of them told my mom not to worry, that they’d look after her girls.  At the time I didn’t realize how timely those comments were but to this day, they haven’t stopped looking out for any of us!

My immediate family did influence my decision to attend SCSU.  My dad graduated from State.  My oldest sister too.  My other sister was attending there when I entered as a freshman.  But one alumni family ensured I stayed there by providing the financial resources through a full scholarship.  I didn’t have to worry about any expenses, they were paid for in full through this family’s university scholarship.  What a huge blessing that was for me and my parents. 

Seeing as though I didn’t have to pay anything for a degree that has propelled me into the destiny God so clearly orchestrated before the dawning of time, I owe the university nothing less than my all.  I’m not sure what my next commitment will be to SCSU but I am newly convicted today that doing nothing is unacceptable.  I accepted an awesome opportunity in August 1998 as I started my journey as a Bulldog and I must pay it forward, just like so many before me did. 

Stay tuned for information on how you can join me as we step up our commitments to the university together.

 

Learning How to Multiply

My memory isn’t that great. I’d like to say that’s a function of the aging process but truth is, I’ve never had a good memory. That’s why I try to write everything down- for future reference and reflection. Now, if only I could remember where I’ve put that piece of paper!

On Sunday, after the 9:30AM service, I greeted our music intern, Kim Ness, and told her how much I liked the song she sang. Of course, I couldn’t remember the name of the song I’d liked and the paper where I wrote a note about it wasn’t readily accessible. So with very little information to go on, she just smiled politely and said thank you, all probably while thinking I was just a little odd. And that song I liked so much? I forgot about it.

Until yesterday. I was flipping through my Bible, not knowing exactly what I was looking for. I came upon the note I wrote on Sunday’s bulletin. Under the name of the song I couldn’t remember (Oceans by Hillsong United) I saw the words I’d written “trust without borders”. So, I engaged one of my best friends, Google, to find the lyrics to the song. Believe me, I’m so glad I did!

Although I know this very well, I often find myself being reminded of the fact that nothing surprises God. Sure the happenings of everyday life may catch us off guard, but the all-powerful, all-knowing, creator of everything that is- our God, is never caught unaware. I imagine He has a slight surge of excitement when the “unexpected” happens because He can’t wait to see us in action, guide us through the challenges and see us grow in our faith.

Actually, this reminds me of my days teaching 3^rd grade. One thing that I absolutely loved about the teaching experience was building competencies and skills in my kids. The introduction of multiplication was always a fun time for me. See, I get that multiplication can be a scary thing for kids. You’re being introduced to a new concept, a whole new set of facts to master and terminology that is foreign. Often when I’d share that we were moving into multiplication, my students were eager because it instantly made them feel older and smarter. The thought of knowing how to multiply made their chests puff out a little. But at the same time there was some uneasiness about this new skill to be mastered.

At the school I worked at we did flexible grouping for math. I usually taught those that were on-grade level and one year taught the below-grade level group. When the time came to introduce multiplication, I whipped out my goldfish crackers. It was time to have some fun!

See, the way I introduced multiplication was through the use of those yummy goldfish crackers, to build arrays. We went step by step to build understanding of what multiplication is- nothing more than repeated addition. I explained how the number of rows and the number of goldfish in a row translated into a mathematical sentence. I’d give the kids a repeated addition math problem, we’d build an array, translate the addition into a multiplication sentence and discuss the process. Once we completed a series of questions successfully, they’d eat their snacks. This process continued for a few days, usually culminating with the use of M&Ms or Skittles as a sweet treat for mastering the fundamentals of multiplication.

What does this have to do with this song that I’m now in love with? Well, I think about how God often works. The same scaffolding provided in the array example is what God does with us. First, just as a child knows they’ll eventually be introduced to more advanced concepts, we instinctively know that challenges will arise in our life. And as the teacher, God has planned for our successful mastery of the challenge. For, everything that we experience up to that point has prepared us for that moment of introduction into something new. He’s ready to provide the tools for success at just the moment we need them. The lessons we’ve learned during our days of “addition” help us as we progress into “multiplication”, which is only the next logical step in our maturation, right?

Once again I am reminded, no matter what happens in my life, big or small, God is already aware and knows exactly what I need to be successful in progressing through it. He’s designed past experiences so that the knowledge and skills that I’d need to apply, develop and refine in this next phase were solidified. Also, He’s prepared to guide me every step of the way through this current situation. I imagine (because I do have a vivid one that may be a bit too much for traditionalists) that just how I used to be giddy with excitement the first day of our lesson on multiplication and smiled at the looks of concern on my students face when they learned that the time had come, that God is just like that with us. He’s thrilled about what’s about to take place. He knows that His child is about to learn something new that will mature him or her and serve as a building block for future learning. Enthusiasm is what I imagine God feels when we reach the threshold of a new valley. For, He’s standing right beside us, ready to usher us into this new place.

I think the reasons that my kids didn’t completely melt down when we learned anything new was that:
1. They understood that I loved and cared about them. I was going to make sure they were okay throughout the process.
2. They trusted me and were willing to let me guide them.
3. Learning is what school is about anyway. Therefore, they weren’t surprised or testy when I announced we were learning something new. They may not have known what was going to be taught but they knew that they would learn.

Isn’t that what our lives as Christians are all about- learning and growing in our walk? God loves and cares for us. He is committed to ensuring we’re okay, especially during the difficult times in life. As the lines in Oceans state,

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

There is no reason to doubt God.  For, He is there guiding me.  Despite the uncertainty that surrounds me I know that I can trust him because He has never failed me before.  And yes, He won’t start now!

Thus, I go back to that one line that resonated in my spirit on Sunday. “Spirit lead me where trust is without borders.” That is a prayer I’ve prayed for a few months now. Not exactly in those words but with the same intention. I’ve asked God to keep me safe under His wing. For, I want to be so close to Him, so aligned with His will that the only place I can be is safely tucked under His wings of protection. By being fully covered by Him I am submitting to His full authority and declaring, where You take me, I will follow. So, lead me where You’d have me go, teach me what I need to learn next and develop my faith so that doubt is replaced with unlimited trust because I know that even though I can’t see what is next, You can, and it’s guaranteed to be awesome!

Therefore, see this as encouragement for anything you may be going through. God is not surprised at all about what is happening in and around You. He has prepared you for this time in life and will be beside you every step of the way as you multiply your trust and faith. Place your full trust in Him and allow Him to guide you through. I guarantee, He will provide everything you need at just the right time. One day you’ll look back and wonder why you were ever uneasy about learning how to "multiply" in the first place.