Our Stories, Our Healing

Grief and Loss

The loss of a loved one is never easy.  The journey from grief to healing can encompass a range of emotions, conflicting at times, triggered by seemingly random occurrences and unavoidable no matter how hard or many times we try to bypass them.

Our Stories, Our Healing

Have you experienced a significant loss in your life?  Where are you in your journey from grief to healing?  Are you ready to share your story?  By telling your story you may be able to help someone else and perhaps support your own healing.

The Project
This project sets out to explore the grief journeys of several individuals.  The stories of the characters are inspired by real-life individuals and their experiences with grief, resulting from the death of a loved one. Woven together, it will reveal stories of trauma, heartache, loneliness and despair that begin to transition into those of healing, resilience and celebration.  

By sharing your story, others will be helped and supported in their own healing.  Not only ushering in healing for others, it will expose the often silent pain and lonely journeys many of us undertake as we process the death of a loved one- allowing them to know, they are not alone. 

If you are interested in being a part of this project by sharing your story, please complete the questionnaire here.  You will then be contacted with specific details about your participation in this project.

The Invitation of "His Yoke"

^28-30 “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”  Matthew 11:28-30 MSG

When you spoke this, you were (and still are) inviting each of us into a real, loving and liberated relationship with you.  For, man has identified and skewed what it means to be “good”, “holy” or “Christian” with rigid rules and distorted expectations.  For some time I’ve been involved in activities that are helping me re-frame my understanding of what you require. 

You invite me to come to you.  You invite me to follow you – the truth.  Not some human’s interpretation of your truth, which can vary and be misinterpreted based upon a false understanding.  You tell me “come right to the source and learn from me, the Truth”.  So, I come.  I want to live my life fully, in and through you.  I want rest from struggle – struggle of trying to measure up to rules, laws and guidelines rooted in shame and condemnation and ones that I am unsuccessful at trying to keep in my own might. 

The rhythms of grace you speak of - they sound like freedom, surrender, a departure from self and identifying only as the child of the king.  I can be encouraged by the fact that your yoke, your ways/thoughts/model for living, although not without some level of work, is freeing.  Freedom is there because you have already paid the price.  Freedom is there because that rhythm you speak of empowers, takes on the struggle, burdens and weight.  Your yoke is light because you have done the heavy lifting on the cross and provided us a gift of salvation.  You continue doing the heavy lifting, working on my behalf, providing, protecting, leading, teaching, fighting my battles.

All you ask is that I come, follow, learn and co-labor with you.  I recommit to you – yes, I will follow you!

Amen.

Untitled

Embrace uncertainty.  

Some of the most beautiful chapters 

in our lives won’t have a title until much later.

-Bob Goff

As a 23-year old, fresh out of grad school, I was certain of one thing.  I was going to be a teacher.  My entire career.  Nothing but the classroom for me.  Although developing curriculum and supporting other teachers were options for later in my career, really all I wanted to do for the next 30+ years was to be in the classroom.  Even after a few years of educating elementary school children under my belt, I dismissed the promptings of my colleagues to pursue administration.  No, the classroom was where I wanted to be!

Fast-forward 14 years and ask me how that worked out for me!  Often in life, I look back at my younger self and just laugh.  I realize, the things that I was so certain about at the time, I had no clue!  Despite the definitive claims I made about what I was (or was not) going to do, life had other plans.

Now that I am a bit wiser (the product of some unexpected starts, stops, detours and bumps along the way) there is one thing that is clear.  The only thing that is certain in life is uncertainty.  Even with the most careful of plans, laid out and calculated to the most minute detail, the unexpected is bound to happen.  Understanding that fact is okay.  Embracing that fact, well that makes life a little more interesting! 

When 10 years ago, my desire for a life-long career in the classroom took an unexpected turn in a completely opposite direction, surprisingly I was filled with excitement and anticipation as I stepped out on faith.  Although I missed the classroom, I found a new career that brought just as much joy and engaged a different part of my diverse skill-set.

My life is beginning to veer in a new direction again.  I have no idea where my current passions and enhanced capabilities will lead me.  But I am looking forward to the journey.  What a marvel it will be when in 3, 5, 15 or more years I look back on this present season of my life.  At that time, I will be able to celebrate the beauty of what was uncovered by accepting the invitation into the unknown.

8.24

Tonight I wrote a poem.

Yes.  It was a love poem.

Those are always the best kind.

But not gushy and sweet,

like the ones I write when he gives me butterflies 

with just one gaze from across a crowded room.

No, this poem that I wrote does not dwell on that.

Instead, tonight I wrote a poem about a love lost.

Not one where I’m jaded and my words are laced with bitterness and despair because his heart now longs for another.

The poem, it tells of a different love story,

that one day will yield a happier ending.

The words weave a picture of a deep abiding love,

that a child has for her mother.

Although old enough to now bear my own children,

I still long for the warmth of my own mother’s hug.

Which is no longer possible.

For, she’s gone.

Well, not fully. 

The soft kiss that was planted on my forehead

right before she left to start her day,

even now I can faintly feel it.

The spiced, citrus-y scent that followed her effortlessly

(when inhaled today)

immediately conjures an image of her beauty.

Tonight’s reflection is based upon today.

August 24^th.

1948.  

The day of her birth.

And today, I celebrate.

Even though she’s gone.

Years pass so swiftly – but 12 feels the same as 1, as 50.

The void that this loss leaves behind is just sneaky like that.

“Happy Birthday” I write with joy.

And the next moment my pen shifts,

words filled with a longing,

sadness of what now exists only in my memory.

1987.  

A day we celebrated, in our new home, our new life.

In just a few short days, we learned devastating news.

As we sang, ate cake and laughed,

my new friend’s world crumbled,

due to a loss I didn’t understand then.

But do now.

All too well.

Too young to be without her father.

But he was gone.

And, as months and years passed,

during those moments when reality interrupted the continuation of one’s life,

She, cried.

Her mother, wept.

Her sister, sobbed.

At that time I was moved by sympathy because of their pain.

Tonight, I wrote because I know what those tears meant.

Longing. Sadness.  Hurt.  A plea for relieve.

And so, I wrote a poem.

2017.  

My two hearts reclaim my attention.

Each embarking on a new journey in their young lives. 

Middle school and Pre-K. 

And I feel my heart expand with pride, anticipation, and hope. 

As I wrote a love poem tonight,

recalling my mother.

A woman I love.

Admire.

Miss and cherish.

I write of the loves that remain. 

They are a continuation of the joy she was.

Earlier today,

my youngest love asked if we could go to where Grandma Nancy is 

to give her a birthday cookie.

Her mother reassured her, she already knows we’re celebrating her today.

We can’t go to her today.

But, one day we will.

Tonight I wrote a poem. 

A poem about love. 

My love. 

My mom.

My Greatest Fear As A Single Woman

 

It is tiring always being "ON".  It would be nice, even if only every once in a while, to be able to not have to be responsible for every single aspect of my life.  It’s not like when I was a minor, under my parents’ roof, when we had chore lists.  Kendra mowed the lawn.  Kim washed the dishes.  Krystal vacuumed.  Mom made the dinner.  Dad plunged the toilets.  No, in the household of one, every task has my name behind it.  Even the ones I have no ability in.  When those come up, thank the Lord that I’m smart enough to figure out what service provider I need to secure.  But even then, it only gets done because I coordinate it.  Just me.  No one else. 

Again, having to do it all myself can become a bit much at times.

So, recently when all 3 light bulbs in my overhead light in the kitchen died, I was left in a predicament.  As in any home, my ceilings are high.  The thought of climbing a stool to replace these bulbs is less than appealing.  But, my dad lives over 2,000 miles away.  There’s no special someone right now that I can sweet talk into doing odd jobs around my home.  And I can’t very well hire a handyman for this, can I?  Thus, this evening I figured I’d procrastinated long enough and with a determined spirit I decided to hoist myself onto my wooden barstool to complete this task.  (For all the logical people out there reading this- yes, I should own a ladder, but I don’t.) 

I’m pretty lucky that in the 8 or so years that I’ve lived in my home I never had to change this particular light fixture’s bulbs.  (Also probably a bit sad and telling about how often I go into my kitchen.)  Since it’d been a while, I prepared myself to also thoroughly wash the fixture while I was at it.  So, I’m up on this stool taking off the cover and somehow jiggle it just right to get the last bit of juice going in 2 of the 3 bulbs.  I unscrew the one that is burnt out completely and to my surprise see that the size of the bulb is one I do not currently have within my light bulb stock pile.  A little annoyed, I decide to go ahead and at least wash the fixture cover so it’d be ready once I got the right size bulbs. 

Then the bright idea hit me that I should clean around the elements that are secured to the ceiling.  As I proceed to do so, one of the 2 remaining bulbs burst.  All I could think was to avoid getting cut by glass and in my haste I slipped (atop this stool mind you), fell backwards onto the refrigerator, then spun around about 345 degrees before landing on my left side on the kitchen floor. 

And at that moment I knew I’d come face to face with my biggest fear as a single woman- falling off a stool while changing a light bulb and no one knowing until a neighbor with a keen sense of smell catches a whiff of my decaying corpse 2 weeks later.  Convinced that wasn’t going to be me, I hopped up really quick and hobbled to a chair in pain.  What surprised me first off was how inaudible my fall was.  Although I hit hard I thought “there’s no way that my neighbor below me was able to hear that”.  For me, that was a sad realization.

After examining my bruises, I returned to the kitchen to try and clean up the mess from the blown light bulb and my fall.  To my surprise I smelt gas.  Apparently, as I fell, my knee engaged two of the knobs on the stove and gas was coming out of unlit burners.  That’s when the fear became really, real.  Not just death by fall but coupled with gas inhalation!

Why do I share this episode with you?  First of all, I see the humor in it.  I don’t watch Awkward Black Girl but I like the genre and I can imagine this making a great segment on the show.  But secondly, it put me in a bit of a funk.  One which will surely pass, but one I’m giving myself permission to fully feel and process before getting over it.  Here's my issue:

Singleness surely has its perks.  Ones which I value and try to take full advantage of.  But at moments like these I’m reminded of something that I don't currently have but one day I hope to enjoy- having someone to share life with.  And not just anyone, but the one that will climb the stool (or ladder) to change a light bulb without a 2^nd thought.  A person who will hear my fall and at least call from the next room to make sure I’m still breathing.  Someone that is my partner and willing to do his part to ensure the household runs smoothly, as I do mine. 

I don’t always want to be “IT”.  Every once in a while I’d like to be able to share the load.  That doesn’t mean I’m now desperately scouring the streets, lounges or internet trying to find someone.  Nor do I believe that this is all a relationship boils down to.  But at the very least, I can add to my mental “What I want in a mate” list/prayer someone that is skilled at changing light bulbs.  Is that too much to ask?

SCSU Alumni- Reputation and Responsibility

Life today has a certain level of comfort associated with it.  Instant gratification, inflated perceptions of self-importance and a lifestyle of ease can lead to complacency.  Today I got a bit of a jolt of reality and was reminded of how profoundly blessed I am.  And I am only blessed because of the many sacrifices, hard work and accomplishments of those that have come before me.

It is not very often you are in a room full of great people.  I take that back- it is often for me.  Almost once a month I have the privilege of spending just a few hours with these very people.  Obviously, I don’t always recognize how great these individuals actually are.  That’s because they are my family.  Not my blood family.  No, my Bulldog Family.  Which believe it or not, in my book is a great way to define that word- family.  So it is with family, we become familiar and sometimes need to take a step back to understand how impactful our family members are.

Today, we gathered together to celebrate the 80^th anniversary of what is undeniably the best alumni chapter in the National Alumni Association of South Carolina State University- the Washington, DC Alumni Chapter (yes, all of our sister chapters are great but I’m biased).  I must say, it was a wonderful event that reminded me of why I am so proud to be a Bulldog!

I know we hear facts thrown around about our alumni and their varied and noteworthy accomplishments.  But as I listened today and interacted with so many successful alumni, I was humbled to be a part of the history and lineage of such an impactful institution.  Although many stellar alumni were highlighted at the event, our keynote speaker, Brigadier General (Ret) George Price, accurately personified for me what the value of an education at South Carolina State University means. 

Brigadier General George B. Price

 

Many alumni, across generations, have stories that exemplify what happens when tenacity meets opportunity.  I loved how he stated that his mission at SC State was clear.  For, he arrived from Mississippi on a one-way ticket, essentially communicating “do or die”.  The only option was for him to excel and make good on that opportunity.  As I noted, I know there are countless examples of this same ultimatum being issued to students as they entered SCSU, which continues even now.  To think, for so many, SC State represents the one opportunity available for an individual to step into his or her destiny by gaining the knowledge and skills to become a stand-out professional in his or her field.  This isn’t some lofty notion.  No, it is a proven fact!  SCSU provides the means by which individuals are able to gain a solid education, significantly increasing their chances for social mobility.  I submit, that is a legacy worth protecting, nurturing and growing.

With a reputation like ours, we have a responsibility to protect our institution’s rich legacy and ensure it remains a viable option for higher learning for generations to come.  For me, this point was amplified during one of the latter portions of the program- the Cake Cutting Ceremony.  A tradition borrowed from the Armed Forces, the most senior-ranking member and the junior-ranking member in the room take part in this ceremony.  Together, they cut the cake with a sword, symbolizing the rich history and accomplishments of the past and the enormous opportunities that await our future.  This is a powerful image for me- one in which I feel we are severely derelict in as young alumni (and perhaps more broadly as young adults and Millennials in today’s society as a whole).  In general, we are not showing up to the table, but instead leaving our senior-ranking alumni, those that tirelessly paved the way for us, to struggle to “cut the cake”.  I love my older alumni dearly and firmly believe that they deserve a season of rest.  But it can’t be just a few young alumni stepping in.  It takes everyone rolling up their sleeves and committing to supporting our university.  Not just in ways that ensure us the limelight or a pat on the back nor through action-less rantings on what is broken at our university.  Let’s stand beside the senior alumni and together help our university make strides forward.

Cake Cutting Ceremony

 

Finally, I want to revisit the notion of SCSU being my family.  At the end of the program, all of the past chapter presidents were asked to come to the front of the room to be recognized.  I’m proud to say, of all 8 or so of the individuals at the front, I have a personal relationship with each one.  At one point or another I’ve worked with them on some chapter program or supported their administration as a chapter officer or committee chair.  Each of them hold a special place in my heart! 

Aside from the chapter business, in both happy and sad times they have been there for my family and me.  When my mom passed away, they were right there at the service.  When we experienced weddings in the family, their smiling faces were present.  On the various occasions that I’ve preached, their “Amen” was there to encourage me. 

I remember very vividly, just a week before my mom died, our family was at the SCSUNAA convention in Charleston, NC.  Two of them told my mom not to worry, that they’d look after her girls.  At the time I didn’t realize how timely those comments were but to this day, they haven’t stopped looking out for any of us!

My immediate family did influence my decision to attend SCSU.  My dad graduated from State.  My oldest sister too.  My other sister was attending there when I entered as a freshman.  But one alumni family ensured I stayed there by providing the financial resources through a full scholarship.  I didn’t have to worry about any expenses, they were paid for in full through this family’s university scholarship.  What a huge blessing that was for me and my parents. 

Seeing as though I didn’t have to pay anything for a degree that has propelled me into the destiny God so clearly orchestrated before the dawning of time, I owe the university nothing less than my all.  I’m not sure what my next commitment will be to SCSU but I am newly convicted today that doing nothing is unacceptable.  I accepted an awesome opportunity in August 1998 as I started my journey as a Bulldog and I must pay it forward, just like so many before me did. 

Stay tuned for information on how you can join me as we step up our commitments to the university together.

 

Learning How to Multiply

My memory isn’t that great. I’d like to say that’s a function of the aging process but truth is, I’ve never had a good memory. That’s why I try to write everything down- for future reference and reflection. Now, if only I could remember where I’ve put that piece of paper!

On Sunday, after the 9:30AM service, I greeted our music intern, Kim Ness, and told her how much I liked the song she sang. Of course, I couldn’t remember the name of the song I’d liked and the paper where I wrote a note about it wasn’t readily accessible. So with very little information to go on, she just smiled politely and said thank you, all probably while thinking I was just a little odd. And that song I liked so much? I forgot about it.

Until yesterday. I was flipping through my Bible, not knowing exactly what I was looking for. I came upon the note I wrote on Sunday’s bulletin. Under the name of the song I couldn’t remember (Oceans by Hillsong United) I saw the words I’d written “trust without borders”. So, I engaged one of my best friends, Google, to find the lyrics to the song. Believe me, I’m so glad I did!

Although I know this very well, I often find myself being reminded of the fact that nothing surprises God. Sure the happenings of everyday life may catch us off guard, but the all-powerful, all-knowing, creator of everything that is- our God, is never caught unaware. I imagine He has a slight surge of excitement when the “unexpected” happens because He can’t wait to see us in action, guide us through the challenges and see us grow in our faith.

Actually, this reminds me of my days teaching 3^rd grade. One thing that I absolutely loved about the teaching experience was building competencies and skills in my kids. The introduction of multiplication was always a fun time for me. See, I get that multiplication can be a scary thing for kids. You’re being introduced to a new concept, a whole new set of facts to master and terminology that is foreign. Often when I’d share that we were moving into multiplication, my students were eager because it instantly made them feel older and smarter. The thought of knowing how to multiply made their chests puff out a little. But at the same time there was some uneasiness about this new skill to be mastered.

At the school I worked at we did flexible grouping for math. I usually taught those that were on-grade level and one year taught the below-grade level group. When the time came to introduce multiplication, I whipped out my goldfish crackers. It was time to have some fun!

See, the way I introduced multiplication was through the use of those yummy goldfish crackers, to build arrays. We went step by step to build understanding of what multiplication is- nothing more than repeated addition. I explained how the number of rows and the number of goldfish in a row translated into a mathematical sentence. I’d give the kids a repeated addition math problem, we’d build an array, translate the addition into a multiplication sentence and discuss the process. Once we completed a series of questions successfully, they’d eat their snacks. This process continued for a few days, usually culminating with the use of M&Ms or Skittles as a sweet treat for mastering the fundamentals of multiplication.

What does this have to do with this song that I’m now in love with? Well, I think about how God often works. The same scaffolding provided in the array example is what God does with us. First, just as a child knows they’ll eventually be introduced to more advanced concepts, we instinctively know that challenges will arise in our life. And as the teacher, God has planned for our successful mastery of the challenge. For, everything that we experience up to that point has prepared us for that moment of introduction into something new. He’s ready to provide the tools for success at just the moment we need them. The lessons we’ve learned during our days of “addition” help us as we progress into “multiplication”, which is only the next logical step in our maturation, right?

Once again I am reminded, no matter what happens in my life, big or small, God is already aware and knows exactly what I need to be successful in progressing through it. He’s designed past experiences so that the knowledge and skills that I’d need to apply, develop and refine in this next phase were solidified. Also, He’s prepared to guide me every step of the way through this current situation. I imagine (because I do have a vivid one that may be a bit too much for traditionalists) that just how I used to be giddy with excitement the first day of our lesson on multiplication and smiled at the looks of concern on my students face when they learned that the time had come, that God is just like that with us. He’s thrilled about what’s about to take place. He knows that His child is about to learn something new that will mature him or her and serve as a building block for future learning. Enthusiasm is what I imagine God feels when we reach the threshold of a new valley. For, He’s standing right beside us, ready to usher us into this new place.

I think the reasons that my kids didn’t completely melt down when we learned anything new was that:
1. They understood that I loved and cared about them. I was going to make sure they were okay throughout the process.
2. They trusted me and were willing to let me guide them.
3. Learning is what school is about anyway. Therefore, they weren’t surprised or testy when I announced we were learning something new. They may not have known what was going to be taught but they knew that they would learn.

Isn’t that what our lives as Christians are all about- learning and growing in our walk? God loves and cares for us. He is committed to ensuring we’re okay, especially during the difficult times in life. As the lines in Oceans state,

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

There is no reason to doubt God.  For, He is there guiding me.  Despite the uncertainty that surrounds me I know that I can trust him because He has never failed me before.  And yes, He won’t start now!

Thus, I go back to that one line that resonated in my spirit on Sunday. “Spirit lead me where trust is without borders.” That is a prayer I’ve prayed for a few months now. Not exactly in those words but with the same intention. I’ve asked God to keep me safe under His wing. For, I want to be so close to Him, so aligned with His will that the only place I can be is safely tucked under His wings of protection. By being fully covered by Him I am submitting to His full authority and declaring, where You take me, I will follow. So, lead me where You’d have me go, teach me what I need to learn next and develop my faith so that doubt is replaced with unlimited trust because I know that even though I can’t see what is next, You can, and it’s guaranteed to be awesome!

Therefore, see this as encouragement for anything you may be going through. God is not surprised at all about what is happening in and around You. He has prepared you for this time in life and will be beside you every step of the way as you multiply your trust and faith. Place your full trust in Him and allow Him to guide you through. I guarantee, He will provide everything you need at just the right time. One day you’ll look back and wonder why you were ever uneasy about learning how to "multiply" in the first place.

"On Time" Principle

About a month ago I was preparing to attend a painting event in Crystal City where you create your own painting.  After much consideration, I decided that the work of art I was going to create that night was a clock.  No real reason why, I just was inspired to paint a clock.  So, armed with a concept, I then turned to my favorite site, Pinterest, for further inspiration.  I saw a design that I felt described me perfectly.

Photo Credit:  http://www.etsy.com/listing/109270668/whatever-im-late-anyway-clock

I actually chuckled out loud because I knew that if I painted this and hanged it in my home, any and every one that saw it would immediately nod in agreement, knowing that this fit me perfectly.  I am late EVERY place I go.  Doesn’t matter how far in advance I start nor how close the destination, I am always late.  This is something that I’ve been mindful of and tried to work on from time to time for years.  Yet, I still struggle with arriving early to events.  Refusing not to further promote this vice, I opted not to use this design but instead did an abstract depiction of a clock instead.

 

But I do recognize that punctuality is a character trait that I should exhibit.  In the book “Marriage A to Z”, Carolyn Tatem discusses the importance of this as part of the “On Time” principle.  She states that we miss out on important experiences by being late.  Also, the way you practice this character trait (being consistently punctual or being consistently late) communicates a lot about you as an individual for singles and as a couple for married people.  This makes perfect sense because our thoughts translate into behavior and behavior into character.  Therefore, my lack of discipline in being timely really tells people a lot about who I am as an individual.  I don’t want to be known as an undisciplined individual. Additionally, since in a marriage relationship we are one, I don’t want my character flaws to reflect badly on my husband.  In my season of singleness, what do I need to do to develop in this area?

First, I need to pinpoint why I am consistently late.  I’ve identified the following reasons:

·       Poor Planning: I tend not to consider everything that must be accomplished in order to get somewhere on time and allocate time properly.

·       Over-commitment: Being involved in many different things, I commit to doing things and conflicts arise.  Because I don’t want to renege on a commitment I’ll then book events back to back which causes me to be in a constant state of rushing from one place to the next and typically arriving late and leaving early.

·       Procrastination: Consistently I’ll wait until the last minute to pick out my clothes, make/eat my meal, gather the necessary materials, etc.  This results in rushing to complete the task and often re-work.

·       Laziness: I tend to sleep/nap before I have to leave the house.  When the alarm goes off, I stay in bed a few minutes longer and then have to rush to get ready.

Reflecting upon what to do with this information, I found some helpful tips and strategies on Character-in-Action’s website (http://character-in-action.com/punctuality-tips-and-strategies/).  I am now purposing to deliberately practice them.  (I’ve already accomplished the first!)  It will require reframing my perspective and anchoring these actions in a scriptural foundation.  The tips and strategies along with the scripture references that I’ve identified are going to guide my development in this area.

1.       Admission:   Proverbs 28:13, “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.”

2.       Respect:  Romans 12:10, “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.”

3.       Love:  Philippians 2:3-4 “Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

4.       Responsibility: Proverbs 6:6-8, “Go to the ant, O sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise. Without having any chief, officer, or ruler, she prepares her bread in summer and gathers her food in harvest.”

5.       Self-Control:  II Peter 1:5-8, “Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, 6and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, 7and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. 8For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

6.       Be Realistic:  James 4:17, “Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth [it] not, to him it is sin.”
Galatians 5:16, “[This] I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh.”

No matter the state of my love life- single, courting or married, I desire to be an accurate reflection of God and live a life consistent with His word.  Thus, I must work on being on time, knowing that His grace will sustain and assist me as I develop in this area of my life.

A Faith That's Meant to Be Shared

I walked into a wonderful conversation the other day.  I, and other members of the church I now work at as the Interim Children’s Director, were hosting the Kids Zone at the George Washington Parkway Classic 10 Mile/5 K Run in Alexandria, VA.  One of the volunteers asked me a simple question- How do you share your faith with others?  It was really quite provocative because she wasn’t asking it as a litmus test for my walk but instead as a way to process something she’s been grappling with internally for a while now.

I was caught a little off guard but replied in a manner I often do when someone asks me something that I have been reflecting upon and am just bursting to discuss, “That’s a very good question”.  See, a few months ago, someone asked me if I’ve shared my faith with an unbeliever (in this case it was the litmus test question) and I had no idea how to answer that.  No, I don’t go up to people, ask if they are a non-believer and then walk them down Roman’s Road.  That seems absurd to me.  Scripture quoting and spiritual clichés are not my thing.  But I didn’t have an adequate response for why I was or wasn’t sharing my faith with unbelievers because I really didn’t know if I was.

Back to last week’s conversation.  I shared with her that I believe it is less about having the right scripture to recite to someone than it is being a true reflection of God’s love.  For, when you are a reflection of God’s love people sense that there’s more to you than what’s surface.  I’d like to think of it as a spiritual connection of who lives in you and the internal struggle of negotiating that with what lives inside the other person. 

At any rate, over the past few months I’ve heard some powerful anecdotes sprinkled in theologically-sound preaching that has reinforced this for me.  The first message was delivered at First Baptist Church of Glenarden by a visiting missionary from South Africa.  He shared a moving story of how his father, a known drunk and self-proclaimed atheist, was converted through months of casual chess games with a believer that first entered his life as the workman that re-carpeted his floors.  Because of a chance encounter that evolved into a friendship, not only was he converted but his entire family’s eternal lives (and thousands others that are being impacted by the missionary’s work) were changed.  It wasn't done through a single conversation of proclaiming the man and sinner with certain damnation in his future.  Instead a relationship was formed, through which the elements of his faith, and ultimately the nature of God, were exposed slowly but consistently.

A radio broadcast of a previously preached sermon retold the story of Zacchaeus and Jesus.  A notorious and vehemently hated chief tax collector, Zacchaeus went to great lengths to seek Jesus when he came to Jericho.  Because he couldn’t see due to the crowds and his short height he ran ahead and climbed a tree to ensure he’d get a good look at Him when He passed.  As He passed, their spirits connected and Jesus told him to come down quickly because He was staying at his house.  Jesus deliberately meet him where he was to show love, compassion and concern.  And through this (and Zacchaesus’ desire to right his wrongs), his entire “house” was saved. 

The last story I’ll share is from just a few weeks ago where a representative from Fresh Expressions shared the concept behind this movement at a “Lunch and Learn” session at Downtown Baptist Church in Alexandria, VA (where I work now!).  As detailed in the introduction on their website, “in many different places, Christians are stepping out in faith and beginning fresh expressions of church: new or different forms of church for a changing culture.”  These are deliberate attempts to share faith with unbelievers in authentic and unique ways that reach them at their points of need.

So, with all that God has been pouring into me lately, this is how I answered her question:  I share my faith through the natural ways I interact with people.  I believe because of how I carry myself they are able to see something different about me.  It may not be on a conscious level at first but they sense something different about me. 

Then she began to speak.  She shared that often people ask her why she is happy.  But she doesn’t know what to say because she is just naturally happy.  Happy for the life God has blessed her with and the love He constantly displays despite her unworthiness.  She mentioned that when she does share with co-workers that she’s happy because of God, they flinch.  I think the flinch is good.  In a way it is pricking their spirit and causing some level of discomfort.  And discomfort in sin or separation from God is good.  I shared with her that she doesn’t need to censor this reply in order for them to feel comfortable.  My belief is that this is planting a seed.  One she may see grow or one that will continue to be watered by others that God sets in their path.  Then one day, the discomfort will become so great and the truth so clear that things will suddenly make sense and the need for a Savior will be undeniable.

We ended our conversation, both of us drawing the same conclusion- I share my faith through my everyday existence, meeting the person where they are.  Those that are lost likely aren’t going to be sitting on your pew at church.  Instead they are in your office, on your metro bus, at your gym, in your neighborhood.  Because those that are in most need of knowing about salvation and being invited into a relationship with Christ are around us in our everyday lives, it is imperative that our actions, words and deeds are true reflections of God.  Our love should be a manifestation of His love.  Our words should be rooted in His truths.  Our behaviors should be consistent with what He did when He walked this earth as a man.  That’s when our faith is able to minister to others and suggest that there’s something about us that is different.

Finally, I love what seems like a promise to me.  Through our authentic sharing of our faith through every day, real-life experiences we are truly living out the mandate that Jesus gave us- to make disciples of men.  And what is so beautiful to me, as evidenced in the stories shared above, when we do so we aren’t just impacting one life.  For that reconciled heart then shares their faith with others, who in turn accept salvation and then share with others, and so on.  And I believe that is the true weight of the promise.  So, our living a life that conveys our faith can potentially save a generation of lost souls! 

 

Remember, because of Zacchaeus’ desire to know more, Jesus exposed him to the very essence of God and His glory, causing him to repent.  From this experience he was saved.  But not only him, but his house.  Salvation came to an entire household (and in those days that meant everyone associated with his house- wife, children, servants, etc).

How awesome is it to know that our walk has the ability to change so many lives if we just allow our faith to speak for us and minister to people at their point of need!    

Submission - Getting to the Root of the Issue

This is part II of a reflection on Submission.  Check out the first part, S*bm!ss!@n.

As you know, I am exploring the practice of submission in an attempt to grow in this area.  Therefore, I’ve undertaken a season of study, reflection and application.  Mid-March I attended the United Sisters For Your Journey women’s retreat, sponsored by my church, First Baptist of Glenarden.  I didn’t mean to attend the workshop session about taking shortcuts, but I was running late (so unlike me…) and didn’t want to walk in late on my first choice session.  But, I was pleasantly surprised about how good this workshop was.  The key theme communicated during the session was that this:  the shortest distance between 2 points is a straight line.  As a Christian, our straight line is obedience.  We were posed with the question “What area of your life is God asking you to be obedient in?”

Before I share my response to this question, I want to unpack this obedience thing just a bit.  Nothing I’m going to share is deep, innovative or uncommon.  But it is something I neglected to explicitly internalize and verbalize before now.  Obedience is doing what another has asked you to do.  So, obedience is nothing more than submitting, and in this case, to God.  Often, being obedient to God isn’t easy, fun or attractive.  Yet, it is surely the best course of action.  Why then, is it so hard for me to act in accordance with his commands, trusting fully that His plan is best and will lead to the awesome promises He’s made to me?  Simple- Faith, or lack thereof.  My independent, willful attitude. 

The area of my life that I identified as needing to be submitted to God is my health.  I’m doing good with the lifestyle of fitness.  My eating habits are not aligned with being healthy though.  Why?  My attitude is if I’m working out (and even if I’m not) I can eat whatever I want to.  What I select to put in my body is my choice.  Right?  Reflecting on this further I clearly see the connection with submission.  I know that a healthy diet is pleasing to God.  But because I want to be in control of that area of my life I am not willing to consistently make healthy food choices, deny my flesh and obey what He’s been asking me to do for years.  So I eat what I want, when I want and however much I want because nobody can tell me not to.  Until now!

Eating healthy is the next priority to layer in.  What this means in practical terms is ensuring I prepare well-balanced meals, drink enough water each day and manage my portion sizes.  It means limiting my sugar intake and being conscious and deliberate about what I put in my body.  Going out to eat is still an option- I just need to make good choices when I do so.

A few more things became clear to me last week that I need to further process.  First, I can’t go on auto-pilot.  In Luke 9:23 it states, “And he said to all, ‘If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me’.”  Clearly I’m told to daily take up my cross, submit to God’s will and follow Him.  Therefore, I must be intentional each and every day to ensure I am aligned with His expectations, commands and will.  So, submission truly is a lifestyle, manifested in the way that I follow and serve others.

In my women’s bible study class I was asked to speak on my self-identified stronghold of submission.  Since I’ve been meditating on this all month I was ready for it.  The conversation really just solidified some things in my head.  The question was asked how do you show a submissive spirit to the person you’re dating/courting (because until you say “I do” you are not called to submit to that man).  So simple yet profound (at least to me) is the fact that people will be able to see the qualities of a submissive woman as evidenced in the way that she walks with God, interacts with her boss, attitudes towards authority, etc.  Surely, we are known by the fruit we bear (Matthew 7:16).

To take this a step further and assist me in my quest to become a submissive person, I now understand that what I do in one area of my life is transferrable to other areas of my life.  How many times have we, as singles, heard that this is the time of preparation?  Too many, in my opinion.  But that is so true.  How can I aspire to be a good wife, knowing full well that wives are commanded to submit to their husbands, if I refuse to submit to those currently in positions of authority in my life?  So, by me consistently submitting to God, it should cross over into my relationships with my supervisor, with the police, with political and spiritual authorities, etc. 

Knowing that this isn’t an easy undertaking, nor one that I will magically one day conquer, I am committed to taking it one day at a time.  Each day being deliberate to listen for God’s voice, obey it and walk in accordance to His will.  Yes, daily picking up that cross to follow Him into the beautiful destiny that awaits me.

The Table Experience

Two Saturdays ago I was sitting in a class at my home church, First Baptist of Glenarden.  As a side note, the instructor referenced something that sparked my interest.  She mentioned the “Table Principle”.  I never knew there was such a thing!  But as she was explaining it to us, I knew exactly what she meant and clearly understood the spiritual significance of the table.  See, every now and then my sisters and I will talk about all of the great things that happened at our kitchen table growing up, inadvertently referencing this principle.

Reflecting on the time I spent in my parent’s home (I didn’t move out on my own until I was 26!), I can recall many powerful and also very ordinary experiences at our kitchen table.  This was the location where we enjoyed nightly family dinners.  The table is where my parents and a few of their close friends formulated the idea for their now 24-year old company.  When family or friends visited our home, inevitably we ended up grouped around the table eating, laughing, sometimes playing games, other times having thought-provoking conversations.  Whether the ordinary or extra-ordinary, the kitchen table is probably the most vivid recollection and symbol of my formative years.

Again, I don’t know much about the “Table Principle” other than what was shared with me in the matter of 60 seconds in my class the other day.  My interest is sparked and I’m launching my own personal research project (stay tuned- in the coming weeks I’ll share some of the great things I’ve found out).  But, I do believe in the essence of what I believe the principle is.  First, by taking time to sit down and enjoy a meal as a family regularly communicates to each other the importance of the bond and places a high value on quality time spent together.  I can imagine that some days it is easier (and maybe even necessary due to conflicting schedules) to do meals on the go and/or separately.  But making time to sit and enjoy the moments you have together can do wonders for your family life, strengthening relationships, and is likely to be a healthier meal and digestive period.

So, I think that first point is pretty basic.  Nothing new there, right?  Well, I suggest that the kitchen table can also facilitate life-changing experiences.  As I mentioned, my parents transformed a dream into reality at our kitchen table.  I was a bit too young at the time to internalize what was going on (as a matter of fact, I think I was somewhere playing with my sisters) but I’ve heard this story recounted enough to know now that it was not a chance encounter. 

One of the principles I’ve come to embrace is homemaking- ensuring your home is hospitable and a place of ministry.  My mother was definitely a homemaker and my father supported her in maintaining an environment that nurtured our family’s growth and invited the presence of God daily.  Because this was a part of their lifestyle, it was easy for God to work in our lives- the atmosphere was conducive to allowing His spirit to dwell within.  Thus, when others came into our home, they were ushered into His presence. 

My parents were/are innovators (my mother is deceased) and addicted to continuous growth and improvement.  They were/are also very inclusive and found ways to partner with people on almost everything they sought to do.  So, one night at our kitchen table, my dad’s dream, supported by mother’s commitment and practicality, connected with the strengths, talents and desires of the others at the table.  What could’ve easily been dismissed as a far-fetched, never-going-to-happen dream was welcomed as a reality-yet-to-come.  As a result, each of their and their family member’s lives were changed.  Sure, it wasn’t just the kitchen table.  But, because there existed a place that was regularly used as a meeting place of nourishment, fellowship and idea generation, what came next was only natural, with a bit of destiny mixed in.

This is only one of the many examples I reflect upon as I think about the “table principle”.  I know it is a powerful tool, that when allowed to be utilized by God, can grow families and friendships and turn regular encounters into life-changing experiences. 

Do you have any stories of how spending quality time at the kitchen table has enriched your life or that of your family or friends?  If you’re not currently utilizing your kitchen table for much more than a resting spot for mail, homework, etc. then I challenge you to clear it off tonight and have dinner as a family.  My own personal challenge is to take more opportunities to visit with friends and family and experience the power of enjoying time together around the kitchen table.

S*bm!ss!@n

Technically, submission has 10 letters.  But for a long time, in my book, it has been categorized as a 4-letter curse word.  I’m not unlike many independent, black females of the 21^st century.  You mention the word submission and immediately my eyes will initiate a roll.  And, don’t get me to talking about it.  Because surely you will start to see my neck begin to roll as I share my 2 cents on the subject.  Honestly, I’m not quite that bad anymore but the cultivation of a lifestyle of submission is a work-in-progress.

In the most simplest terms, submission is yielding your will to that of another’s.  It is agreeing to embark on the course that they’ve set and adopting their objectives and plans as your own.  Pretty straightforward right?  Oh, but did I neglect to mention, even when their will is different or contradictory to your own.  Yikes!  That’s when this thing starts getting real.

As outlined in the bible, we are called to submit in various relationships that we find ourselves in.  First, we are commanded to submit to God.  Living a life consistent with His commands, striving for holiness and purity and forsaking the longings of the flesh are ways that this is done.  We are also called to submit to our leaders- government, religious and vocational.  Obeying laws, guidelines, doctrines and directives that are consistent with the fundamental tenets of our faith is essential in achieving this.  Submitting to our husbands is probably one of the most well-known examples of submission.  It is actually pretty funny how many single women, like myself, have a problem with this (could this be part of the reason why we are STILL single?).  And finally, we are told to submit to one another.

Obviously I get what submission is and to whom I should be submitted to.  Where I struggle is how to actually do it.  At times I have a spirit that yearns to do it.  I am excited about the prospect of getting it right.  But then, me being the cerebral person I am, I often reflect upon the reasons why I shouldn’t- “DC and PG cops are incompetent and don’t do their jobs anyway”, “Politicians are greedy, lying, cheats that are only looking out for their special interests”, “Obviously God is tripping right now.  He doesn’t really want me to do that.”, “My dad (and in this case, my boss) is so old-school.  This is the technology age.  His way is antiquated.”    And then, I do it my own way and refuse the opportunity to be submissive.

There are times when even after rationalizing why I am right, I concede to do things “their” way.  I submit, but only after reassuring myself that (as usual) I am right and eventually I will prove it by doing it their way and watching it fail.  I understand that although I may have yielded to the authority, it wasn’t done in the spirit of a submissive heart and really isn’t aligned with what God desires from me.

But I’m declaring today, this has got to stop.  I am no use to God or anyone else when I think and act like I am always right and know best.  So, what am I going to do about it?  Glad you asked.

During this season of Lent I am doing a submission fast.  It’s really something I just made up but think it will be a great way of growing in this area.  It includes me engaging in a more complete study of submission- principles, scriptural references and practical application, then put them into action in my daily life.  This should be interesting…  I’ll keep you posted!

Speak Life!

Our words have the ability to build up, encourage and speak life into bleak situations.  I just want to share a few quick thoughts about how some words have taken me (and perhaps others) to the next level in just a few days.

#1 - So, this gym thing is still a bit new to me.  But pat on the back, I am about to finish up Week 7 and do my 2 month fitness assessment with my trainer soon.  (Stay tuned- I suspect I'll be boasting about vanishing inches!!!)  At any rate, I am doing well with my routine.  I don't always want to do it, but I haven't slacked on the target of hitting up LA Fitness 4 times a week.  The other day I was not feeling it at all.  Not for any specific reason, just didn't want to get out the comfy confines of my warm bed.  As I laid there, allowing the minutes to tick by, I knew I was going to go.  It's just that I lacked the motivation to get up.  I sent out an S.O.S. text to someone that said a few weeks ago they would help keep me accountable.  My request for inspiration was answered very simply and matter of fact-ly in 2 parts.  The part that I liked best was "just think of how many days this one gym day will add to your life".

Because I am not a medical professional or even a well-informed exerciser, I'm not completely clear on this medical fact or assumption.  But honestly, I don't really care.  I believe the truth and beauty of these words.  We make hundreds of decisions daily, consciously and subconsciously, that impact the quality and duration of our life.  No one can refute the benefits of a healthy lifestyle.  Both the physical and mental strength/fortitude necessary to give 110% during a single workout undoubtedly positively impacts the rest of your life to some degree.  As I thought about that (and still do so, as it is lingering in my mind) I agree and find motivation.  What I do today is going to determine the quality and longevity of live I'll have tomorrow.  Yes, the not-so-pleasant, but definitely necessary, decision to stick with this thing is a deliberate act to live the best and longest life I can.

#2 - Just a small piece of a larger discussion about spirituality, I was told that my new found commitment to exercise is a method of growing closer to God.  Now, this came from a person who I contend doesn't know me too well on a personal level.  But, man.  This was right on!  As he put it, the very nature of working out- the expulsion of toxins, calories, shedding of fat is purifying both body and spirit.  The exchange is energy.  The thrill that one feels (or endorphins) when completing a workout is essentially a spiritual connection with our creator, who is pouring back into us the purity that should continually reside there.  That is a simple yet powerful declaration.  Something as ordinary as exercising can connect you in a new and powerful way to God, inviting you into His presence and unleashing new reflections of who He is.  That is some good stuff!

#3 - The final example of the power of words is related to the written word and the impact on others. 
See, I wore a shirt to the gym yesterday that apparently struck a nerve.  This shirt is one I purchased years ago at a book signing for "I Fought To Be This Happy" (really good read by the way).  At that time in my life I totally related to the sentiment.  The peace, prosperity and joy I was experiencing (and still am) wasn't something that came easy.  No, not at all.  Most, if not all, can agree that to stay sane, to persevere and not give up, it requires a deliberate declaration that you will not quit!  Giving up- that isn't even an option.  Nope.  You continue to fight because the alternative can never be your reality.  Now you get my motivation for buying the shirt.  So, I wear this in the gym yesterday and I'm told how much the person likes the shirt and what it says/means.  He even went to the lengths of taking a picture of it.    This may not mean much of anything to you but to me this is huge.  I didn't say anything to him- he just saw the words scrawled across my chest that spoke to something deep within him.  How awesome is it that even something as unintentional as apparel, can speak life to someone!

I'll leave you with this thought/challenge (which is just as much for me as it is for you).  You never know how your words can impact someone.  Something seemingly simple or innocent may be exactly what that person needs to hear.  Therefore, try as much as possible to be intentional about what you say, and do, knowing it can potentially propel one forward, closer to the purpose and destiny that God has for them.  Unfortunately, they are just as powerful in the inverse, being able to pull one down to a level that speaks defeat, isolation or hopelessness that they may not recover from.  Therefore, "Speak Life!"